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4.8.17

On Loss & Pregnancy


Sometimes I feel that loss can become that topic.
You know THAT topic.
A roll eye topic.
A "not again" topic.
and
if you
have
other kids
The ultimate "at least you have other children" conversation.

I have learned a lot about myself since my own loss.
I have learned a lot more about people too.
I have developed a keen sense of when to share, not share, and move on.
It's a strange thing, but I assume I am not the only parent who has lost a child who feels this way.

I have had 2 pregnancies since
and I have also learned that aside from fear,
the rollercoaster of emotions can be debilitating.

Sometimes you find yourself thinking about your dead child more than your living children.
In pregnancy, your medial history becomes you.
You, your body becomes a sacred monument to loss.
Not life.
You talk about it, and explain it, and summarize it so often that you feel like a fragile leaf
blowing in the wind carelessly, not knowing when or where you will fall.
Have you ever tried to summarize death?
The death of your own child?

It has been 8 years.
We left it all behind.
Because we were told to.
Because we had a life to live.
Because it was instinct...the natural thing to do.

People don't like death.
They don't want it...who claims death?
No one.
So we left it behind.
I have never even seen my son's grave.
But throughout this pregnancy all we talk about is death.
It's like in trying to save this baby's life, all I can do is regurgitate death.

Death is irrational too.
Not death itself - death - is a natural progress of life.
What I mean is it makes us irrational...afraid...angry...sentimental.
I don't know...
I was thinking about that as I was packing for my move.

I had stashed his clothes, his mementos, and his photos in my lingerie/intimates drawer.

Why?

Truth is I didn't intend or plan to do this.
It just happened.
But deep down I must have known that I was packing my dead child's things
with my lingerie.

I was claiming my space...a physical space for him too.
A space that only belongs to me...no questions asked.
No need for explanations.









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