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3.7.17

Small things



You cannot find peace by avoiding life.
~V. Woolf
Yesterday as I sat in my living room surrounded by boxes I felt completely overwhelmed. 
The Man literally dumped them everywhere and anywhere - men!
Go upstairs and there will be clutter as well, I told myself, so I stayed put.
Nothing I could do.
I feel as if I am drowning.
The past few months have been so draining, so mentally exhausting.

As I wrap up my business, I feel as if I am slipping into an unnamed, unclaimed territory that I do not want to be in.
More than a gentle push into my new reality, it has been a swift kick of emotions.
I must be honest, anger and frustration holds me.
It suffocates me.
I don't want it, but it's there.

At this stage in my pregnancy I have worked darn hard...too hard for a high risk pregnancy actually.
I'm seeking a deeper connection with what’s inside...the unseen.
I pray to God and I seek his refuge.
I pray for strength to make it past this month - and the next and the next.
So much for one day at a time huh?

In all of the chaos I have the Littles.
Me, always prepared and inspired to unschooled - I am beat.
The hierarchy of the needs of my family and myself have shifted - drastically, if I must say.
The saying Let Go and Let God resonates, but boy do I have a hard time NOT resisting...

Of course, mouths still need to be fed, which means meals must be cooked.
How many peanut butter & jam sandwiches can I kid eat in a day?
Surprisingly, quite a few.
It is in these moments when I am grateful that my children (while picky with fruits & veggies) are typical...just typical children, who can live off peanut butter, strawberry jam, bread, cereal and almond milk.
I can stomach that for now...it won't last (God-willing).

Then there's the dreaded laundry.
Why was there never a horror movie made about laundry?
I don't think I have ever in my mothering days seen the bottom of an empty laundry basket.
But most of all children, and ones near and far need love, support and encouragement.

There are always small pleasures. 
Little things that carry us until we can straighten out our legs and pick up the pace...again.

Virginia Woolf's words speak to me today. 
I must live this life, no matter what.
No one is immune to hardship, and pain.
The only way to get through it is to keep moving.
I am trying with all my might.


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