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13.6.17

June 13 2009 - 2017


“Listen to God with a broken heart. 
He is not only the doctor who mends it, but also the father who wipes away the tears.” 

~Criss Jami

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Warning: Trigger Post

I sit here thinking and writing.
Summer is almost here.
I am living as I have done 
for 
the 
past 
8 years 
since he came & left.

I've been so darn touchy.
I've cried a lot over nothing
over trivial things 
over everything
I am all cried out.

I didn't even know how to title this post.
I don't know what to say about him anymore.
I miss him terribly, but I didn't know him at all.

My heart breaks a lot more than I think it would every day, just for a few minutes,
but the pain is very there
very pressing
intense
I cannot explain it.

There is nothing like growing a life inside of you to have it taken away 
No matter how much you rationalize, let go, or trust in the process of life as it unfolds
it happened
it happened
it happened.
That's the reality of it.

I have tried to untangle myself from THAT pain.
I have borne children.
I have loved them deeply.
I guess I always knew that there was never going to be a replacement for my lovely boy,
but the pain? 
No, I didn't know about that.

Today he would have been 8 years old.
I thank God that I knew him, if only for a brief moment.

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